Two of my friends called for some advice this week.  One is a father who is separated from the mother.  That have a little girl.  The mother has remarried and her new husband and my friend are in constant conflict over the child.  So far they have had disputes over visitation, clothing, discipline, medical treatment and sports. As might be suspected, the mother sides with the new husband in these disputes.  I have suggested settlement, mediation and a parenting coordinator but the mother has rebuffed all of these suggestions.

My other friend is a stepfather.  He married a woman who has a little boy from a previous marriage.  The birth father sees the little boy from time to time but he lives far away and my friend really has the day to day parenting role.  He and the boy have become quite fond of each other.  My friend would adopt the boy if the father would agree.  He has all the obligations of fatherhood but none of the rights of a father.

There are two sides to every issue.  It would be great if fathers and stepfathers could work together cooperatively for the benefit of the child.  But in many cases, there is too much emotion involved to make that possible.

Sometimes celebrities can teach us what not to do.  TMZ reports that an Atlanta family court judge has awarded Tawanna Iverson custody of her five children with NBA basketball star Allen Iverson.

The judge found that Allen “does not know how to manage the children; has little interest in learning to manage the children and has actually, at times, been a hindrance to their spiritual and emotional growth and development.  For example, he has refused to attend to an obvious and serious alcohol problem, which has caused him to do inappropriate things in the presence of the children while impaired.  He has left the children alone without supervision. He has left his young daughters in a hotel room with men who are unknown to the mother.”

The judge gave Allen visitation on the conditions that he:

• not drink alcohol for 18 months
• after that, not drink alcohol within 24 hours of visitation
• engage in mental health therapy
• attend AA meetings for a year

Thomas Matlack writes in the New York Times today  about how his painful divorce taught him to be a better dad to his children.

“My time with Kerry and Seamus was limited to trips to McDonald’s and a walk across the highway to Federal Hill for pizza a couple of times a week. But even that was progress. I had been an absent dad up until that point, working nonstop. And when I wasn’t working, I was drinking and getting into trouble. I was 31 going on about 14.” said Matlack.

Later he became an active parent for his children, which he says may never have happened without the divorce.

“For six years I was on my own with two little children for long stretches of time: wrestling, crying, laughing, cooking, cleaning, traveling to visit family, throwing up (a lot), and cuddling them into bed only to come back later and look in wonder at the angels who had transformed me.” Matlack says.

Steven Small and Shelly D. Mahon are conducting a survey of divorced fathers at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  They are looking for fathers of children, ages 8 and 16, who have been divorced or separated within the last two years.  You can register at their website, “Apart, Not Broken”.

This is a free, 12 week, multi-media program over the Internet which includes:

• Videos reflecting the real life experiences of other divorced fathers;
• A discussion forum for you to connect and share with other fathers;
• Online tools for sharing photos, comparing calendars, journaling, using a whiteboard, and communicating via chat, video chat, and email;
• Current and concise information about divorce and parenting after divorce;
• Recommended activities for you and your child; and
• Additional resources such as book lists and helpful web sites.

A study by an Australian College has found that divorced and separated fathers are spending more time with their children than the traditional every other weekend visitation schedule.  Dr. Bruce Smyth sampled 408 separated parents.  He found that, regardless of the parenting arrangements, children usually moved between homes two to four times every two weeks.  The study found that separated parents were cooperating with each other in balancing their schedules with the children’s needs and being more flexible in their timesharing.

This morning on the way to the bus, my 12 year old son was telling me about an app on his iPhone that allowed him to listen to NFL games.

“When I was your age, we didn’t have the Internet,” I told him.   “We had something else.  It was called outdoors.”

“What kind of game was that?” he asked me.

“We went out the door in the morning and played marbles until it was dinner time,” I said.  “I bet you’ve never even heard of marbles.”

I was all set to teach my son the grand game of marbles when I got home from work today.  Then I thought I’d better Google it.  And guess what?  I found out you can play a virtual game of marbles on the Internet.

Technology is a tool that can enhance or frustrate co-parenting by separated or divorced parents, depending on how you use it.  Emails, web calendars and texts can be very helpful to keep your kids schoolwork, extra-curricular activities and lives organized.  But technology can also be misused as well.

A University of Missouri study found that some parents selectively pretended they never received texts or emails they wished to ignore.  Others terminated web calendar access for the other parent until they had scheduled the children’s activities on it.  These parents were using technology as a weapon to gain control or annoy the other parent.

found that ex-spouses who endured bitter breakups often used communications technology as a weapon. Some spouses would selectively ignore texts and emails — pretending they never received them — while others cut their exes off from web calendars until they had already scheduled their children’s activities.

“Parents who use technology effectively can make co-parenting easier, which places less stress on the children,” said Professor Lawrence Ganong, who headed up the study.  “Parents who use communication technology to manipulate or withhold information from the other parent can cause pain to the child.”

In a child custody battle in Kentucky, Bill Verst is seeking custody of his six year old daughter, Madisyn “Maddy” Verst, from her mother Lindsay Jackson.

He says he should have primary custody because the mother dressed in inappropriate outfits, namely a Dolly Parton outfit and a police officer outfit, for an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.  Maddy was on the cover of People Magazine with the headline, “Gone Too Far?”.

The court-appointed psychologist agrees recommends residential custody with the father as a result of the child’s participation in beauty pageants.  The next hearing is August 31.

The mother told reporters, “If Maddy needs to live with her dad because she does pageants with me, then that opens the door for any parent to challenge anybody on activity that a kid does, period.”

“We could really open up Pandora’s Box to set a precedent all over the world. What if years ago Gabby Douglas’ father said, ‘She’s not going to be a gymnast. She’s not going to move away from home and practice gymnastics because I won’t allow it,’ and he and Gabby’s mother got into a fight? We wouldn’t have gold medal winners, we wouldn’t have Miss America, we wouldn’t have Miss USA,” Jackson said.

University of Missouri Professor Marilyn Coleman and Dr. Mindy Markham interviewed 20 women who shared physical custody of children with ex-partners.  Half of the women reported amicable relationships with their ex’s.  The other half reported combative relationships in the beginning that improved over time.

“To me, it’s almost as if the parents in the bad-to-better relationships matured,” Coleman said. “Mostly, it’s because the parents began focusing on their children. The parents saw how upset their arguments made their kids, so they decided to put their differences aside and focus on what was best for the children.”

“The goal for divorced parents should be to maintain the best co-parenting relationships possible by moving past prior relationship issues and focusing on children’s well-being,” Coleman said.

Although the sample was small, the result reflects my own experience as a divorce lawyer.  Once the stress and fighting between spouses is resolved by agreement or trial, the parties can then calm down and focus on their children.

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“We never know the love of our parents for us until we have become parents.”

– Henry Ward Beecher