Jill Brooke has written an interesting blog at Parental Rights claiming that divorce makes dads better parents in some cases.

She says that, with married couples, sometimes the mom is the center of all children related activities.

However, when timesharing becomes rationed in a divorce, then dad gets more valued one on one time with the children.

She also credits technology, like cellphones, Facebook and videoconferencing, with allowing non-custodial dads to interact more with their children.

The mother removed her child from England, where the father lived, to her country of origin twice.  Both times the father sued under the Hague Convention and the mother returned with the child.  The father now has custody.

The mother wanted visitation under an interim order until a custody evaluation could be completed.  The father objected, concerned that the mother would abscond with the child again.

The English High Court, in Re A (A Minor), March 17, 2009, issued an order requiring that the mother wear an electronic ankle bracelet before being allowed to visit her child.

Read more at Jeremy Morley’s excellent International Family Law Blog.

David Rembert tried his divorce case against Angela Rembert and got joint legal custody of his two children.  But the judge also gave him primary physical custody and final decision making authority on all matters involving the children including the school they attend, membership in organizations, and other extracurricular activities.

Angela appealed contending that the order didn’t really grant joint legal custody because it gave David final decision making authority.

The Supreme Court of Georgia noted the joint custody statute provided that the judge may designate one parent to have sole power to make certain decisions.

Angela also complained that the decision to award primary physical custody to David was wrong because she was equally fit to be a parent.  The court noted that Angela had a romantic involvement with a married man prior to filing for divorce and said she intended to marry him after her divorce.  She also planned to be a full-time student.  She borrowed $43,000 from David to buy a car after the separation.  And she threatened the life of a neighbor.

David, on the other hand, intended to stay in the marital home, and was seeking a transfer from his job as a pilot to be a trainer with a more regular schedule.  The appeals court said this was ample support for the decision of the trial court and affirmed the decision.

Rembert v. Rembert, Case No. S08F1582, Georgia Supreme Court (Decided March 23, 2009)

Every morning is bedlam at our house with the parents telling the kids to brush their hair and teeth and make their beds.  Dr. Michele Borba suggests that positive reinforcement works faster and better for changing children’s behavior.  She recommends you catch them doing the right thing and praise them enthusiastically with specific words to teach them  what you want them to do.  She gives you the right words to use, “You should be so proud because….”

I’m proud of my son’s skill with mathematics and I’ve told him, “You’re so smart.”  Dr. Borba says that kids don’t feel like they have control over intelligence and so those words have a negative effect on them.  She suggests you focus on what your children are trying to accomplish instead of intelligence.  The example words are “I like how hard you are concentrating on your multiplication tables.”

I’m also guilty of praising the end product, like the trophy, grade or score.  Instead she says you should praise the child’s effort.  That is something the child can control and so he or she will be more likely persist and succeed.

Katrina Daniels Lee had some good advice on her radio show last night for parents who are prevented from seeing their children by a hostile parent or by the court.  She told them to set up a Facebook site and post their positive feelings for their children on it.  She said that children are so  computer savy these days they will find it sooner or later.  In her interview with me, she also told her listeners to reach out for support, help each other and never give up hope for reunification with their children.

Percent of custody cases that go to trial (5 percent)

Ratio of divorce cases where mom ends up with primary physical custody (5 out of 6)

Ratio of divorces where parties agree to joint physical custody (5 percent)

Noncustodial dads who see their children at least once a week (31 percent)

Percent of sole physical custodians who are men (7 percent)

Source:  “Not Your Dad’s Divorce”, Newsweek

Everybody is so stressed out running around for the holidays, we sometimes don’t think of the impact that holidays can have on our children.  They pick up on the stress from both mom and dad.

Interruptions in routines are stressful to children.  Children need routines, rituals and traditions. You can help them by following familiar routines as much as possible.

Think about how you would feel if you sat down to Thanksgiving dinner with one family, then had to be whisked away for Thanksgiving dinner with another family.

Children also frequently feel like the separation of their parents is their fault.  It is important during the holidays to take time to talk to them about their feelings and reassure them.

For more ideas on how to help children during the holidays, read this thoughtful article by Linda Ranson Jacobs.

This post was contributed by Kelly Kilpatrick, who writes on the subject of a police detective. She invites your feedback at kellykilpatrick24 at gmail dot com.

If you’ve seen someone go through a bitter divorce and the even uglier child custody battle, you’ll know that the courts are not generally favorable towards the father, especially when it comes to securing custody of the child. Some fathers are happy to wash their hands of the responsibility of child rearing, but others are left devastated when their spouse gets sole custody and they’re asked to pay child support and alimony too in some cases.

Most judges are predisposed to awarding custody to the mother, simply because she is the one who’s had more time with the child, especially if he or she is pretty young. When you’re on the verge of a divorce, it’s hard to be rational and think before you act. But when it comes to your children and the fact that a court is going to tell you how you’re going to be allowed to relate to them for the rest of your life, you must put your emotions aside and use your head alone to save yourself a whole lot of trouble.

The first thing to do is to make your divorce amicable; I know it’s the hardest thing to do, part on good terms with someone you don’t want to live the rest of your life with. But if you share children, it’s the mature thing to do. This has a host of advantages, especially to you as the father. You don’t say things you may regret later, things that if overheard by your youngster, could end up harming your reputation in his or her eyes. Remember, your child is likely to be influenced by your spouse, so it’s best to remain on cordial terms with her.

A friendly divorce also allows you both to save a ton of money – you can bypass the lawyers altogether, seek joint custody of your children and reach a mutually satisfactory amount for child support and alimony. Better still, you remain on good terms so that your children feel secure even though you’re divorced.

I know I’m painting a pretty rosy picture where your spouse agrees to an amicable divorce and joint custody, but it’s worth a try, for yourself and your children. Rather than assume that your spouse would never go along with your suggestions, and that she is out to hurt you, be gracious enough to give in once in a while. After all, you were in love with the woman once, and by being the bigger person, you save yourself an acrimonious divorce proceeding and a lot of money in the process. Your spouse may also feel the need to relent once she sees how reasonable you’re being, so go ahead, give it a try. You’ve nothing to lose (other than what you will even if you don’t try) if it doesn’t work out, and everything to gain if it does.

Question:

My wife says she is leaving and taking the kids.  I don’t want her to.  What do I do?

Answer:

First, tell her that she can go, but the kids stay.  You have joint legal custody and joint physical custody until and unless the court says otherwise.  You have the right to pick them up from school or any other place she takes them.

Second, call your lawyer.  He or she will try to reach a written agreement with your wife’s attorney about the children, even if it is a temporary one.  The agreement will cover who lives where, how much time each party spends with the children and how the bills will get paid.

Third, if you can’t reach an agreement, then you can petition the court for a custody and access order.  This will usually involve legal fees, pleadings and a hearing.

1.  You Might Lose. Half of the people that go to court lose.  In every case, there is a winner and a loser.  And even if you win, you may lose, because of attorney fees and other costs, like the lasting acrimony and damage that a trial can cause.

2.  Trials Are Expensive. Trials involve enormous expense, time and uncertainty.  You have to take time off from work.  Lawyers and expert witnesses may cost thousands of dollars.  You are spending your kid’s college money.

3.  Lawyer Time is Not the Same as Real People Time. The system is slow.  It takes a long time to get to trial and the judges do not always rule at the end of the case.  They may take a case under advisement at the end of the trial, which means they want to think about it.  Then you may not get the result for weeks or months.  And then there are the appeals.

4.  Judges Are Not Trained for This. Psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers are trained in human behavior.  Many mental health professionals have expertise in custody evaluations.  Judges on the other hand are lawyers.

5.  Decisions Are Being Made by a Stranger. Judges are strangers to your life and marriage and they are called upon to make a decision after hearing only a few hours or a few days of testimony about a marriage that may have lasted for years.

6.  There Is No Lie Detector at the Bench. There is no truth detector at the judge’s bench.  The courthouse is not a fairness store.  It is a decision store.  One party wins and one party loses.  Judges are only human, they are not perfect, and the winning party is not always the deserving party.

7.  Judges Are Limited in What They Can Do. They are also limited by the legislature in how they must rule.  Private agreements between the parties are not.  You can be much more creative than the judge can.

8.  Judges Are Not Perfect. Judges are only human and they make mistakes.  We pay them to make decisions, and resolve disputes, not to be all knowing.  Sometimes they make the wrong decisions.  Do not think because you are right, that you will win.

9.  Even When You Win, You Lose. Custody trials can be very destructive to relationships.  Children are put in the middle. After the trial, you still have years to raise children with the mother.  You may have won the battle but lost the war.