This post was contributed by Kelly Kilpatrick, who writes on the subject of a police detective. She invites your feedback at kellykilpatrick24 at gmail dot com.

If you’ve seen someone go through a bitter divorce and the even uglier child custody battle, you’ll know that the courts are not generally favorable towards the father, especially when it comes to securing custody of the child. Some fathers are happy to wash their hands of the responsibility of child rearing, but others are left devastated when their spouse gets sole custody and they’re asked to pay child support and alimony too in some cases.

Most judges are predisposed to awarding custody to the mother, simply because she is the one who’s had more time with the child, especially if he or she is pretty young. When you’re on the verge of a divorce, it’s hard to be rational and think before you act. But when it comes to your children and the fact that a court is going to tell you how you’re going to be allowed to relate to them for the rest of your life, you must put your emotions aside and use your head alone to save yourself a whole lot of trouble.

The first thing to do is to make your divorce amicable; I know it’s the hardest thing to do, part on good terms with someone you don’t want to live the rest of your life with. But if you share children, it’s the mature thing to do. This has a host of advantages, especially to you as the father. You don’t say things you may regret later, things that if overheard by your youngster, could end up harming your reputation in his or her eyes. Remember, your child is likely to be influenced by your spouse, so it’s best to remain on cordial terms with her.

A friendly divorce also allows you both to save a ton of money – you can bypass the lawyers altogether, seek joint custody of your children and reach a mutually satisfactory amount for child support and alimony. Better still, you remain on good terms so that your children feel secure even though you’re divorced.

I know I’m painting a pretty rosy picture where your spouse agrees to an amicable divorce and joint custody, but it’s worth a try, for yourself and your children. Rather than assume that your spouse would never go along with your suggestions, and that she is out to hurt you, be gracious enough to give in once in a while. After all, you were in love with the woman once, and by being the bigger person, you save yourself an acrimonious divorce proceeding and a lot of money in the process. Your spouse may also feel the need to relent once she sees how reasonable you’re being, so go ahead, give it a try. You’ve nothing to lose (other than what you will even if you don’t try) if it doesn’t work out, and everything to gain if it does.

Question:

My wife says she is leaving and taking the kids.  I don’t want her to.  What do I do?

Answer:

First, tell her that she can go, but the kids stay.  You have joint legal custody and joint physical custody until and unless the court says otherwise.  You have the right to pick them up from school or any other place she takes them.

Second, call your lawyer.  He or she will try to reach a written agreement with your wife’s attorney about the children, even if it is a temporary one.  The agreement will cover who lives where, how much time each party spends with the children and how the bills will get paid.

Third, if you can’t reach an agreement, then you can petition the court for a custody and access order.  This will usually involve legal fees, pleadings and a hearing.

1.  You Might Lose. Half of the people that go to court lose.  In every case, there is a winner and a loser.  And even if you win, you may lose, because of attorney fees and other costs, like the lasting acrimony and damage that a trial can cause.

2.  Trials Are Expensive. Trials involve enormous expense, time and uncertainty.  You have to take time off from work.  Lawyers and expert witnesses may cost thousands of dollars.  You are spending your kid’s college money.

3.  Lawyer Time is Not the Same as Real People Time. The system is slow.  It takes a long time to get to trial and the judges do not always rule at the end of the case.  They may take a case under advisement at the end of the trial, which means they want to think about it.  Then you may not get the result for weeks or months.  And then there are the appeals.

4.  Judges Are Not Trained for This. Psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers are trained in human behavior.  Many mental health professionals have expertise in custody evaluations.  Judges on the other hand are lawyers.

5.  Decisions Are Being Made by a Stranger. Judges are strangers to your life and marriage and they are called upon to make a decision after hearing only a few hours or a few days of testimony about a marriage that may have lasted for years.

6.  There Is No Lie Detector at the Bench. There is no truth detector at the judge’s bench.  The courthouse is not a fairness store.  It is a decision store.  One party wins and one party loses.  Judges are only human, they are not perfect, and the winning party is not always the deserving party.

7.  Judges Are Limited in What They Can Do. They are also limited by the legislature in how they must rule.  Private agreements between the parties are not.  You can be much more creative than the judge can.

8.  Judges Are Not Perfect. Judges are only human and they make mistakes.  We pay them to make decisions, and resolve disputes, not to be all knowing.  Sometimes they make the wrong decisions.  Do not think because you are right, that you will win.

9.  Even When You Win, You Lose. Custody trials can be very destructive to relationships.  Children are put in the middle. After the trial, you still have years to raise children with the mother.  You may have won the battle but lost the war.

Worry, stress and anxiety are common human emotions.  People will find something to worry about even when times are good.

When going through a divorce or other legal proceeding concerning conflicts about children, you will find many things to worry about, and you will have good reason to worry.  But instead of  worrying about your problems, try worrying at your problems.  Instead of letting your mind be consumed with worrying about how bad the situation is, you should concern yourself with what you can do to solve the problems.

Outline your problems in writing.  It helps you to focus clearly.  Then destroy these notes so they are not used against you by the other side.

Every judge sees it differently. If the judge’s father abandoned his family and the judge’s mother slaved day and night to help her son through law school, then the judge will have a hard time understanding why a father should have custody. The mother does not have an automatic edge in litigation. Fathers win in a lot of litigated cases.

There are certain doctrines and presumptions (but not inflexible rules or requirements) which aid the court in determining the best interest of the child:

1. Parental rights. Parents must be shown to be unfit before the children will be given to someone else, such as grandparents.

2. Continuity of placement. If children are doing well where they are, do not mess things up by moving them.

3. Children’s preference. A judge will consider who the children want to live with. The judge may talk to the child in private and may talk to a child younger than fourteen years of age. The judge is not bound by what the child wants.

4. Other. The court can consider the custodian’s age, health, wealth, religious beliefs, conduct, type of home, psychological evaluations; the location of the residences of the child’s siblings; the child’s school performance; or anything else the court considers important.
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“Calm down!” “Stop whining!” “Be more respectful!”

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that to my kids.

Dr. Michele Borba, in an article at iVillage.com, says this is Parenting Mistake #1.  Rather than assume our kids know how to act, use the opportunity to teach them a new behavior or skill.

She suggests you call the child on the bad behavior briefly, then show, don’t tell, the replacement behavior.

For example, if your child whines, you say, “That is a whiney tone. Listen to my nice tone. Now you try.”  Or if your child is angry, for a younger kid, say: “When you start to feel yourself getting mad take big Dragon Breaths.” For an older kid, say: “Take a deep slow breath, and count slowly to ten.”

By Jill H. Breslau

Language can impact our thinking and behavior. Language in statutes regarding custody, for example, can influence –if only in a subtle way—how we perceive our relationship to our children.

For example, in Maryland, where I practice now, and many other states, custody of your own children is described as a right. As a parent, you have a right to the companionship of your children, you have the right to teach and guide them, to nurture them, to direct, and control their behavior. You have the right to decide where your children go to school, whether and where they attend religious services, what kind of medical treatment they receive and from whom. In Maryland, custody may be shared or sole, and the other parent may be awarded access or visitation.

In Florida, where I used to practice, and in several other states, the “custody” and “rights” language has been deliberately replaced by different vocabulary with a different perspective. Parents in Florida are not awarded custody. Instead, parents have responsibility for their children, and parental responsibility, at divorce, can be shared by both parents or can be delegated to one parent alone. With shared parental responsibility, parents share time with their children and both parents are entitled to have full information about the children and to share in major decision-making for the children. Sole parental responsibility is awarded only when sharing would be detrimental to a child.

I believe the difference in language—rights versus responsibilities—impacts the way we approach custody in divorce. If we believe in our rights, then we have to fight for them, and we have to win them. Our children, on some level, are perceived as objects to be gained or lost. There is a sense of ownership, rather than relationship.

On the other hand, if we perceive that we are undertaking responsibilities to our children, we may be more cautious about considering what is really best for them. We may be more focused on how we can accomplish the tasks associated with child-rearing than on establishing our parenting superiority.

“In 85% of divorces, fathers get just two weekends a month and a couple of hours during the week.” — Mike McCormick of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children.

With the divorce and custody trial of Christie Brinkley vs. Peter Cook in the news, the Intelligence Report at Parade Magazine is asking if divorce courts are anti-dad and is taking a survey on this question:

“Should divorced dads get equal time with their kids?”

Parade notes that up to half of fathers lose contact with their kids after a divorce even with a trend toward shared custody over the past twenty years.

Proportional time is a new legal trend according to Jennifer Rosato of Philadelphia’s Drexel University School of Law, where “the custody decision is based on the time dads spent with their children before the divorce, rather than presuming that dads have, and want, limited involvement with their kids.”

But, says McCormick, “Courts want a check first and a relationship second.”

As a father, you have certain rights and responsibilities with respect to your children. You do not need a court order to obtain your rights as a father. You already have them. They are guaranteed by the United States Constitution and the laws of your state. Until and unless a court rules otherwise, your rights as a father and as a parent include the right to:

• be an influence in your children’s lives, be involved, interact, and spend time with them;
• love and nurture your children without harassment from the other parent;
• decide where your children will live;
• participate in the parenting of your children;
• see the school and medical records of your children;
• attend and participate in your children’s extra-curricular activities;
• have the custody, care and control of your children;
• select your children’s school and determine whether it will be home, public, or private;
• determine your children’s religious faith and practices;
• determine your children’s doctors, dentist, and medical treatment;
• follow your own beliefs and parenting style during your time with the children without interference from the other parent;
• guide and discipline your children; and,
• decide what is best for your children.

In addition to your rights, you also have certain duties, obligations and responsibilities, too. As a father and a parent, you have the responsibility to:

• support your children;
• provide them with food, shelter, and clothing;
• see that they obtain appropriate medical treatment;
• provide access to their schooling;
• protect them from harm and neglect;
• foster their relationship with their other parent; and
• give them all the love, nurturing and encouragement you possibly can.

My blood was boiling when I read an article by Elizabeth (“ Liz”) J. Kates, of Pompano Beach, Florida, who calls herself a “holistic lawyer”. In her article railing against Parental Alienation as a theory, there is a list of names she says to stay away from in your child custody case. And my name is smack there in the middle of the list!

Now I don’t know Liz. I have never spoken to her. I never had a case against her. I couldn’t pick her out of a line up of two.

But the source of her animosity towards me is that I am listed on the Parental Alienation Awareness website (along with many PhD’s and other professionals) as a lawyer who handles these types of cases. Liz seems to think that Parental Alienation is a big fraud and that Reunification Theory is a lot of nonsense.

Well, I don’t think it takes a lot of common sense to know that some parents alienate their children against the other parent. Alienation can involve words or conduct and it may be done consciously and unconsciously. It can be covert or direct. But if you have been the victim of it, whether as a mother or a father, you know it is real.

So Liz can rant all she wants, and tell you to stay away from me, but I am still going to be handling these cases and standing up for good parents and children everywhere against those who would advocate parental alienation and hostile parenting.