Fathers will ask me from time to time how they can monitor their child support payments to make sure the money will be used for the children’s expenses and not the mother’s expenses.  Some of the money would have to be allocated to common expenses like rent, utilities, food and transportation.  Others would be direct expenses like clothing.  It seems to me that this would be an accounting nightmare so I recommend against it.

Some fathers want me to raise the issue with the court.  I tell them about the equitable doctrine of “De minimis non curat lex” (”The law does not bother with trifles”).  Judges are barely keeping up with the cases they have, and simply don’t have the time or inclination to monitor monthly expenditures in a child support case.

The court will take action if a child is being neglected, typically by changing custody.  But short of that, mothers do not have to report how child support is spent.  For a mother’s perspective on this, see this article by Christina Rowe.

1.  You Might Lose. Half of the people that go to court lose.  In every case, there is a winner and a loser.  And even if you win, you may lose, because of attorney fees and other costs, like the lasting acrimony and damage that a trial can cause.

2.  Trials Are Expensive. Trials involve enormous expense, time and uncertainty.  You have to take time off from work.  Lawyers and expert witnesses may cost thousands of dollars.  You are spending your kid’s college money.

3.  Lawyer Time is Not the Same as Real People Time. The system is slow.  It takes a long time to get to trial and the judges do not always rule at the end of the case.  They may take a case under advisement at the end of the trial, which means they want to think about it.  Then you may not get the result for weeks or months.  And then there are the appeals.

4.  Judges Are Not Trained for This. Psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers are trained in human behavior.  Many mental health professionals have expertise in custody evaluations.  Judges on the other hand are lawyers.

5.  Decisions Are Being Made by a Stranger. Judges are strangers to your life and marriage and they are called upon to make a decision after hearing only a few hours or a few days of testimony about a marriage that may have lasted for years.

6.  There Is No Lie Detector at the Bench. There is no truth detector at the judge’s bench.  The courthouse is not a fairness store.  It is a decision store.  One party wins and one party loses.  Judges are only human, they are not perfect, and the winning party is not always the deserving party.

7.  Judges Are Limited in What They Can Do. They are also limited by the legislature in how they must rule.  Private agreements between the parties are not.  You can be much more creative than the judge can.

8.  Judges Are Not Perfect. Judges are only human and they make mistakes.  We pay them to make decisions, and resolve disputes, not to be all knowing.  Sometimes they make the wrong decisions.  Do not think because you are right, that you will win.

9.  Even When You Win, You Lose. Custody trials can be very destructive to relationships.  Children are put in the middle. After the trial, you still have years to raise children with the mother.  You may have won the battle but lost the war.

After an eight year custody battle with Kim Basinger, Alec Baldwin has harsh words for judges and lawyers reports ABC News.

“I don’t care if the judges and the lawyers die of heart attacks in the process of getting their job done. They are corrupt, inefficient, lazy, stupid — they’re the most God-awful people,” Baldwin said.

Baldwin’s new book, “A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce,” hits stores tomorrow.

“The judges are like pit bosses in Vegas casinos,” says Baldwin.  “Their job is to make sure everybody stays at the table and keeps gambling.”

Baldwin and Basinger have had 91 court proceedings so far, and about $3 million in legal costs.  That’s enough to make anyone mad at the system.