There is an emerging brotherhood of men in their 40s, 50s or 60s, according to the Tucson Citizen, who are raising young children.  Some of them have adult children and grandchildren as well.  They can get the senior discount and the child’s discount at the same place.

Many men in the Baby Boomers generation married young, worked hard and built their careers.  Then they got divorced and may have remarried a younger spouse who wanted children.

“These men are doing it the second time around, often with women half their age,” says Michael Kimmel, a sociologist at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, N.Y. He calls the phenomenon “serial paternity.”  For some this is an opportunity to repeat their child-rearing experiences, and in some cases, to get it right the second time.

The men interviewed said it was worth it, even with sleepless nights and cranky kids.  Most have more time, more patience and more financial resources than when they were younger.

Health was a concern.  Most of the fathers said they exercise regularly to keep up with their kids.

Laura Doerflinger, MS, a licensed mental health counselor, has a good idea for co-parenting by email.  She suggests each parent pick a day to publish a Kids Mail email.  For example if you drop the children off Sunday night, publish Kid News Monday morning.  What to include?

1. School:  Grades, homework, school incidents, forms that need to be filled out, conferences,  etc.
2. Health:  Colds, doctor appointments, dentist, counseling, moods, etc.
3. Financial:  Payments due or parenting plan division of costs for activities, medical expenses, etc.
4. Schedule:  Changes to the current schedule, changes in your child’s plans, holiday times, etc.
5. Vacations:  Clarification of times and plans – phone numbers, etc.
6. Upcoming Events:  Social, school, extracurricular or sport activities.

Doerflinger suggests avoiding control issues by not giving instructions and relating only the facts.  Limit the news to co-parenting issues.  This is not a place to discuss your relationship.  Respond to the items that need responses and be sure to thank the other parent for the effort.

Custody battles can get pretty ugly. People do and say things they normally wouldn’t because the stakes are the highest they can be, namely, the children.

But the highest correlation to a child’s stability and well-being after a divorce is the health of the parent’s relationship.

So let’s call a truce to hostilities until the New Year. Put aside your disputes and differences for the sake of the children and let them have a conflict free holiday season.

The best holiday gift you can give them is to let them know they are loved by their mothers and fathers.

Mishcon de Reya, a law firm in London, England, has completed a study in which 2000 parents and 2000 children involved in divorce were interviewed.  According to the London Times, the findings were:

• one in three children permanently loses touch with a parent, usually the father, after the divorce.
• one in five parents said that their primary objective during separation was to make the experience as unpleasant as possible for their former spouse.
• one in five of the children said that they felt used by their parents.
• One in three of the children said they felt isolated and lonely.
• Half of parents said that they had been to court to fight over residential custody arrangements despite knowing it made matters worse for their children.

“The adversarial, blame-focused system is polarising parents and prevents them thinking forward about the long-term interests of their children,” says Sandra Davis, head of the family division at the law firm.  “As a result the courts are drowning, trying to sort out what are fundamentally behavioural and family issues, with lawyers being drawn into disputes over what time a child is picked up from school.”

People have different approaches to parenting.

Mom may feel that Dad is too strict with the children.  Dad feels that Mom is too lenient with the children and that the children need to learn independence.

Dad may feel that Mom is lax about the children’s weight or medical problems.  Mom sees Dad as overprotective and perhaps even a hypochondriac.

Dad may let the children stay up later or watch television shows they can’t watch at Mom’s house.  Mom doesn’t think Dad is a serious enough about making the children do their homework.

Parenting is hard work, but it can be even tougher if one parent is sabotaging or undermining the other’s authority.  Good parents are like good business partners.  They may not love each other or hate each other, but they present a united front in handling the business of parenting together.

But real life is seldom so ideal, so Robert L. Mues, gives us some help for handling parenting style conflicts on his Ohio Family Law Blog.

“Who is your son’s teacher?” one of the moms at the bus stop asked me this morning.

While my wife has been busy being the PTA president, buying school supplies and clothes, and meeting the teachers, I have been working to pay for my kid’s food, clothing, shelter and future college tuition.

So I tell her, “I don’t know.  You’ll have to ask my wife.”

But I feel guilty about this.  It reminds me of the infamous Woody Allen deposition.  Woody couldn’t name his children’s teachers, favorite pajamas, shoe sizes or best friends.  In giving custody to Mia Farrow, the judge found that Woody was an uninterested parent.

Next time someone asks me, I’m going to know the answer to questions like these.

Every morning is bedlam at our house with the parents telling the kids to brush their hair and teeth and make their beds.  Dr. Michele Borba suggests that positive reinforcement works faster and better for changing children’s behavior.  She recommends you catch them doing the right thing and praise them enthusiastically with specific words to teach them  what you want them to do.  She gives you the right words to use, “You should be so proud because….”

I’m proud of my son’s skill with mathematics and I’ve told him, “You’re so smart.”  Dr. Borba says that kids don’t feel like they have control over intelligence and so those words have a negative effect on them.  She suggests you focus on what your children are trying to accomplish instead of intelligence.  The example words are “I like how hard you are concentrating on your multiplication tables.”

I’m also guilty of praising the end product, like the trophy, grade or score.  Instead she says you should praise the child’s effort.  That is something the child can control and so he or she will be more likely persist and succeed.

Dad-O-Matic, a new website by Chris Brogan with other contributors, is about parenting ideas from dads.  It contains articles about being a father and a father’s toolbox where you can submit helpful sites, gadgets, tips, comments and the like.

Today’s article by Brogan is about reentry into your family’s life after a business trip.

He advises that you put down the cellphone and reconnect on a big level.  Take them out to dinner.  Reconnect deep and give them what they want, not what you want.  He also suggests you look for the good things instead of complaining about the little things.

“Calm down!” “Stop whining!” “Be more respectful!”

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that to my kids.

Dr. Michele Borba, in an article at iVillage.com, says this is Parenting Mistake #1.  Rather than assume our kids know how to act, use the opportunity to teach them a new behavior or skill.

She suggests you call the child on the bad behavior briefly, then show, don’t tell, the replacement behavior.

For example, if your child whines, you say, “That is a whiney tone. Listen to my nice tone. Now you try.”  Or if your child is angry, for a younger kid, say: “When you start to feel yourself getting mad take big Dragon Breaths.” For an older kid, say: “Take a deep slow breath, and count slowly to ten.”

My blood was boiling when I read an article by Elizabeth (“ Liz”) J. Kates, of Pompano Beach, Florida, who calls herself a “holistic lawyer”. In her article railing against Parental Alienation as a theory, there is a list of names she says to stay away from in your child custody case. And my name is smack there in the middle of the list!

Now I don’t know Liz. I have never spoken to her. I never had a case against her. I couldn’t pick her out of a line up of two.

But the source of her animosity towards me is that I am listed on the Parental Alienation Awareness website (along with many PhD’s and other professionals) as a lawyer who handles these types of cases. Liz seems to think that Parental Alienation is a big fraud and that Reunification Theory is a lot of nonsense.

Well, I don’t think it takes a lot of common sense to know that some parents alienate their children against the other parent. Alienation can involve words or conduct and it may be done consciously and unconsciously. It can be covert or direct. But if you have been the victim of it, whether as a mother or a father, you know it is real.

So Liz can rant all she wants, and tell you to stay away from me, but I am still going to be handling these cases and standing up for good parents and children everywhere against those who would advocate parental alienation and hostile parenting.